Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Baby Jaanu’s Birthday!

Here is my baby’s birth story! Sorry, it’s so long…

I was high risk from the start because of hypertension before pregnancy. Mid pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I was on meds for both, but the numbers remained controlled till the end. Still, they made the doctors nervous and they wanted to induce at 39 weeks. I refused to be induced till my due date. This was an ongoing battle with my care providers.

Also, I took an at home study course for Hypnobabies. I planned on an “as natural as possible” childbirth. I knew I had some issues that could require interventions, and that’s where the “as possible” entered. I practiced Hynobabies often. However, I wasn’t as diligent as I should have been. I believed in its efficacy, but I never expected a pain free birth. I hoped for the promised, “easy and comfortable childbirth.” Apparently, a quick entry was also in my baby’s plans…

The night before:
I couldn’t sleep. My lower back and hips hurt slightly, but what REALLY hurt was my BUTT! I kept going to the bathroom hoping that pooping would relieve pain. Nope. I didn’t sleep at all. In hindsight, I was in early labor.

The morning:
Sunday, July 13th. 38w4d. I wasn’t due for another week and a half and the husband and I had plans. We were going to finish setting up the baby’s nursery, meet with our landlord, and go up to Alamogordo to meet with our doulas. It was going to be a busy but uneventful Sunday.


I woke up to my bloody show. I thought, I have at least a couple of days. Wednesday maybe? The husband says as long as he can go to work on Monday, he’d be happy. I felt crampy and started to track the cramps. I realized that while some of the pressure waves (the term for contractions in Hypnobabies) were 12 minutes apart, some came as short as 6 minutes apart. I was in early labor!

I notified my doula and told my Husband, we were still thinking Monday, hopefully later in the day. Our landlord stopped by, and while we were talking, I took note that my pressure waves were coming stronger and possibly closer together. Whatever. I still had a long way to go. After all, none of it hurt. And it’s only been like a few hours!


As my landlord was leaving, around 10:30, a pressure wave hit and I went to to the kitchen to finger drop it off (a hypnosis technique to ride through a pressure wave). As soon as I leaned against the counter, I felt a pop and a gush of water. I felt gross, like I peed myself before it hit me… Did my water break? I calmly call out to the husband, “uh, I think my water broke.” He came in and I told him maybe not, because it wasn’t clear like I thought it was supposed to be. but it wasn’t yellow like pee, and it didn’t have a smell. Called my doula, and she said to take a shower, where I realized that my “water” was green. Not only did my water definitively break, but my baby pooped meconium in the amniotic sac. :::Sigh:::

I was in active labor! I was having a baby at least late that night or by next morning!

We started timing my pressure waves, and this time the husband did it so I could continue doing the finger drop technique. During this time, I felt the pressure waves, but there was no pain. Just intense pressure, ebbing and flowing. I felt like they were maybe 5 minutes apart. Not more than a minute long. Well, husband confirms that they are about 50 seconds long, but they were coming at every 3 minutes or less! I decided it was time to go to the hospital. We notified the hospital and my doula, and headed over to the hospital. We got there around 12:30.

After we had been processed through triage and put into my room, it was chaotic. The staff was setting everything up, and people were coming in and out. The midwife and nurses asked me a lot of questions. I have no idea when my doula came in. I was distracted by the pressure waves and the flurry of questions. MY BP was really high. I think as high as 150s/100s, which made the medical staff freak out. They kept reminding me that I was high risk. That raised my blood pressure even more. It was like they were preparing me for the worst. The midwife was nice enough, but, as the husband put it,  she was “mission oriented”, and perpetuated a negative attitude. By the end of their “stuff”, they checked me and I was 5 cm dilated, about 80% (or more) effaced. Finally, they left around 1:30, periodically checking on me.

Thankfully I had my team. My doulas and my husband made an exceptional support crew. They helped me labor through all my pressure waves. I got massages, encouraging words, and lots of love. I felt like a celebrity!

My pressure waves kept coming, eventually stronger and stronger. The Hypnobabies CDs were playing in the background, and they helped center me. As labor progressed, I realized I didn’t like being still. I kept moving from the bed to sitting on the ball to sitting on the toilet. Sometimes I laid on my right side, sometimes my left. I was getting more and more uncomfortable. Thankfully, I also had a wonderful nurse. She was totally supportive of my desire to birth naturally, and as long as everything was going okay, she was letting us be. She asked me if I wanted the internal monitor for the baby, but I declined.

At some point, the pressure waves became… not exactly painful, but pain is the closest terminology I can find. I got to the point where I could barely “keep it together.” I remember vaguely saying, “I don’t know if I can do this.” I couldn’t keep still. My Doula kept reminding me not to tense up, but when those peaks hit, I didn’t know how NOT to tense up. I did remember the hypnosis mantra, “deeper and deeper”, and kept using that, and I think it helped.

(Fair warning… my memory from here on out is fuzzy… I was focused on birthing my beautiful baby.)

The medical staff really needed to keep the baby on the monitor, but it was having a hard time picking up baby’s heartbeat externally, and I was moving way too much. So they again recommended the internal monitor and this time I agreed. They had to check me again, and I was 7 cm dilated. This was sometime after 4:30 PM. I was officially in transformation (transition in Hypnobabies language). The husband went to grab dinner quickly.

I thought at this point I had a few more hours, then an hour or 2 of pushing. So maybe another 4 or 5 hours? Nope, by the time the husband came back (which he claims was exactly 37 minutes), I had gone from 7 to 8 to being fully dilated. That was around 5:10 PM. Then the baby’s heart rate started dropping.

The action around me got crazy again, with me ready to push and baby’s heart rate dropping. So I tried a couple of pushes. They weren’t nearly strong enough. My midwife said that if I didn’t push this baby out right now, the OB was going to come in and want to do a c-section. That scared me. My doula counted to 10 and I gave one big push. The midwife was surprised, the baby had come all the way down. It didn’t hurt at all, and I was ready to push again. And another countdown with one more push. I felt pressure and heard a pop and felt slime slither out of me. Then a baby whimpering. She was out, head and body all in one push! I had my baby girl!

Baby Jaanu was born July 13th, 2014 at 5:21 PM. She was 5 lbs. 9.8 oz., 17 3/4 inches long. Total labor time, maybe 13/14 hours? Active labor… less than 7. Pushing… 10 minutes.

Just in case you are curious and made it this far…Stage 3 and first meet:
I am not sure of the exact reason, probably because of the multiple complications, they didn’t immediately give my baby to me for skin to skin, and she was whisked off to the warmer. It was the only wish that didn’t go according to my “plan”.

I was in a haze, exhausted, and felt like I was having an outer body experience. I bled quite a bit, and my placenta hadn’t delivered. So the painful stomach compressions came, and eventually I got Pictocin to help stop the bleeding and the placenta deliver. Eventually, it came out with a soft plop, and the bleeding slowed. I had 2nd degree tears that the midwife had to sew up. I could barely do that, my legs were stiff and refused to relax. I kept trying to see my daughter, and I could hear her whimpering and my husband talking to her.

According to the husband, she was fine. They dried her off and did her checks (I still don’t know what her Apgar scores were). Her sugar levels were good, but her temp was low and they kept her under the warmer. They gave her all the shots and eye ointment. She took them like a champ. Finally, she was ready, as was I. They gave her to me. She was this tiny person, finding her cozy spot. It took both my doulas and me to get my breast to maneuver into her little cupid bow mouth, but she latched and we were united. ❤

She is now two weeks old. Happy 2nd week birthday Baby Jaanu!



A few minutes after she was born



This morning at 2 weeks

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Posted by on July 27, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Stream of Consicousness

I haven’t posted in… well, at this point I can’t even remember how long. I meant to write this post awhile back, but I lost track. I haven’t posted since my review of The Undead Pool. I don’t think I have ever taken such a long break from blogging, book review, and Goodreads. I even took a break from reading. (I read only a handful books, didn’t review them, reread the Dresden file series, and the new book Skin Game… okay I get that for most people that’s still a lot, but not for me!)

First a lot of things have been going on. I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy and it made my life HARD. More emotional than physical difficulty. I lost 30 lbs just by eating what I want and now I can’t do that? But in the past few months I have gotten used to it. It also has kept my weight gain down, to a total gain of only 10 lbs (and I’m at 36 weeks!).

Of course, now being in the last month of pregnancy, I am anxious about the prospect of having a baby and becoming a mother. I am anxious about how it will change my relationship with the husband. Plus all the preparations of having a baby! We have to put her furniture together, put the nursery together, wash her clothes, etc.

Physically, I am tired a lot more. I take usually one nap a day, sometimes two. It’s one thing to just zone out and read. But writing reviews take a lot more energy than I have now.

Mostly, my anxiety about how our future is going to look is holding me back from writing. I have to get a job to pay my student loan bills. Baby will take up most of my time. So, how will I have time to write? I don’t know. I am feeling unmotivated and stuck. I am questioning myself. Is all this writing stuff just temporary thought? Am I fickle? So many questions, not enough answers.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try to write (brief) reviews for the NetGalley and Edelweiss books that I read and are on backlog. (As long as baby doesn’t come too early!). A lot of fantasy books, some in other categories. I am taking a lot less responsibility as far as “book reviews” go (maybe 4 a month), and will try to go back to just writing for pleasure. Taking away the obligation might make it easier to just write for fun.

Sorry for this stream of consciousness post. I wanted to catch you guys up, but not sure how to frame what I wanted to say. So here it is–straight out of my head to the blog.

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Posted by on June 27, 2014 in Uncategorized


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It Didn’t Matter

Baby Jaanu Kwon–July, 20th 2014

I had many life changes in the past month. None of it compared to finding out I  was pregnant.

It did’t matter that the husband and I had been trying for over 2 years, which was interrupted by deployments. It didn’t matter that I have wanted this for a long time. Did it matter that I was almost 3 years past my wish of when to have kids? No. Did it matter that pregnancy is a normal part of life and billions of women and families have gone through with it No.

Because, I, me, Zeenat, this woman, right here, was PREGNANT.

So while this blog will continue to be book reviews and writing, I will have a lot to sat about baby jaanu. You are forewarned.

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Posted by on December 29, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Three in a Row

My glasses are half-full, dammit.

Blood Rites by Jim Butcher

So I’m celebrating my third period 28 day cycles. Actually, the last two was 28 and a half day cycles. You’re probably thinking, why is she excited about getting her period? Who in their right mind gets excited about that!?!?

Well, during my teen years, I got my period regularly every month, exactly 28 and a half day cycles. For fourish years it was perfect. Well perfect in the sense that it was regular. I was usually in bed for days, in so much pain I could barely move. I hated it. I was too young to appreciate what I had.

One day, I stopped getting my period. I didn’t get it for four cycles, and being the good little virgin girl, I knew it wasn’t pregnancy or STDs. So my mom took me to the doctor and they put me on birth control so I would get my period regularly. Never really found out what was going on.

When we started trying to get pregnant, I found out I had PCOS. I was not ovulating, so my body didn’t give me a period. Which is why it is exciting that I am getting my period regularly again. I may be ovulating again, and the chances of me getting pregnant (when the husband gets back) is a lot higher.

So although it’s gross and painful, and my day is worrying about buying tampons before I run out, my glass is half full, dammit! I will deal with the pain if it means I can get pregnant.

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Posted by on January 29, 2013 in Uncategorized


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11 Days Later . . .

“By root and branch, by leaf and vine, on rowan and oak and ash and thorn I swear that what is given to my keeping shall remain in my keeping and shall be given over only to the one who holds my bond. My blood to the defense of the task I am set, my heart to the keeping of the promise to which I am bound.”
The air grew thick with the taste of pennyroyal and musk as his magic crackled around us, drowning out the taste of roses. “Broken promises are the road to our damnation,” I said, the copper and cut grass smell of my own magic undercutting his. “Promises kept are the meeting of all our myriad roads.”
“And such a meeting will my promise be.”

Rosemary and Rue by Seanan McGuire

Okay so I broke a few promises to you guys.  One you didn’t know about and that was trying to post 3-5 times a week.  I haven’t posted in a week and a half; I apologize.  Things have been a bit crazy at home lately.  My thesis has picked up again, and I’m working on it nearly EVERY DAY (including weekends) so I can defend in November.  I really hate it . . . and it’s almost over.  But it’s at that point the hatred and nearness to completion is fueling my work.  And that has taken priority.

Another Promise I broke was posting about my take on the Health at Every Size book.  Well I hope to make one or two more posts about that, although it wasn’t within the week time frame.  But I will certainly post something asap!

You may also be wondering, where are all the book reviews?  Well I have limited my book reviews to ones that I want to REALLLLLY review.  Older books that have been out for awhile probably won’t get reviewed, and a series will probably get a review when I review the latest book.  So, the new series I have been reading has been the Riley Jensen books, and I’m on book 7 now.  When I’m done with the series at book 9, I will give you guys an overall review.

I also spent a week or so doing rereads.  Two books are coming out in a week so I had to reread for them.  One was Fury’s Kiss by Karen Chance, so I read the two other books in the series again, and since it’s affiliated with the Cassie Palmer series, I read the latest book from that series, as well.  Especially since I looooooove that book.  I also reread the last two books from the Jane Yellowrock series because her 6th book, Death’s Rival comes out next week (Who’s ready for some more Bruiser, Gregoire, and the B-twins????)

I did read one book, which was the latest Spellcracker novel, The Shifting Price of Prey, that is not even out in the United States yet!  A friend let me borrow a copy, (Thanks Stacey!), so I will review that tomorrow.

I got my period again this month, so no baby again.  I’m a bit annoyed with the doctor’s office since they don’t call back!  And my medication has to be taken on specific days, which fall on the weekend.  So I need to go get my blood test and get my meds picked up today and tomorrow.  Annoying!!

Anyways, 11 days later I was able to post, ha ha.  You now have a boring but accurate summary of what has happened during these last couple of weeks.  I’ll try to get 2 more posts written this month.  Wish me luck!

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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized


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No Tears of Disappointment

Oh, I understood it well enough, my brain processed it, but the lump in my gut rose to my throat and I had to squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, fighting tears of disappointment. I had been looking for a revelation, a solution, a bit of magic. For hope. That I didn’t find it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. But that hope had been stronger than I thought. I had let myself hope more than I’d intended.

Kitty Steals The Show by Carrie Vaughn

I had an OB/GYN appointment a couple of days ago, and we decided to switch medications.  This is my last (4th cycle) of Clomid, and if nothing happened this month, then we are switching to Femara.  It has less side effects and less chance for multiples.  The doctor also said that those with no success on Clomid have favorable results with Femara.  I would believe her, except she said that those with no success on Metformin alone have favorable results using it with Clomid.  And she said the same thing when I started the Metformin.  Feels like false hope.

Someone said the other day that maybe I was pregnant because I had a cold.  I just sighed.  Tell anyone something different about your body and they try to say that you are pregnant.  Thank you well meaning loved ones, but no thanks.  Because your false hope puts in the seed of hope.  Just like the doctor suggests a solution that could very well not be a solution.

However, no more tears of disappointment.  I have been stressed about getting pregnant the past few months, but now I feel blasé about it.  I mean, if we get pregnant, I will be very happy and excited for the future.  But if not?  We can try again when the husband comes home from deployment.  Sure that’s a whole another year of waiting, and I’ll be ancient (which in reality is just 30) by then.  But that’s okay.  That will give me more time to lose weight, more time to focus on what I want to do with my career, and more time to pay off debt.  Either way it’s a win win situation for us.  That is the attitude I am trying to have now.

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Posted by on August 16, 2012 in Uncategorized


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“Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all”

‘Pain” by Three Days Grace

OUCH.  Both the left and right side of my lower abdomen.  However, I welcome the pain.  Why? Because it is a good sign in the journey of trying to get pregnant.

This journey is difficult for most woman, but especially for those with infertility issues.  Talking about your period is taboo, and it’s worse when you are trying to get pregnant.  If you have infertility issues, you are even more discreet, because who wants to admit they are failing at what makes them a woman?

I try to stay relaxed about it.  In my case, I still have a few things to finish (like Thesis) and losing a bit of weight before getting pregnant can only be a good thing.  But, I want to have a baby. Plus, Army life makes it difficult, because the husband is always away. Which means we do not have as much time as I would like.

So we started with infertility treatments.  Our first step was diagnosis, which was PCOS back in January.  Started Metformin in February, and then first round of Clomid in May.  Second round–and now I have cramp-like pains in my lower abdomen.

So yes, I welcome the pain.  It’s better than the emotional pain of my body failing me again.


Posted by on June 13, 2012 in Uncategorized


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