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Stream of Consicousness

I haven’t posted in… well, at this point I can’t even remember how long. I meant to write this post awhile back, but I lost track. I haven’t posted since my review of The Undead Pool. I don’t think I have ever taken such a long break from blogging, book review, and Goodreads. I even took a break from reading. (I read only a handful books, didn’t review them, reread the Dresden file series, and the new book Skin Game… okay I get that for most people that’s still a lot, but not for me!)

First a lot of things have been going on. I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy and it made my life HARD. More emotional than physical difficulty. I lost 30 lbs just by eating what I want and now I can’t do that? But in the past few months I have gotten used to it. It also has kept my weight gain down, to a total gain of only 10 lbs (and I’m at 36 weeks!).

Of course, now being in the last month of pregnancy, I am anxious about the prospect of having a baby and becoming a mother. I am anxious about how it will change my relationship with the husband. Plus all the preparations of having a baby! We have to put her furniture together, put the nursery together, wash her clothes, etc.

Physically, I am tired a lot more. I take usually one nap a day, sometimes two. It’s one thing to just zone out and read. But writing reviews take a lot more energy than I have now.

Mostly, my anxiety about how our future is going to look is holding me back from writing. I have to get a job to pay my student loan bills. Baby will take up most of my time. So, how will I have time to write? I don’t know. I am feeling unmotivated and stuck. I am questioning myself. Is all this writing stuff just temporary thought? Am I fickle? So many questions, not enough answers.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try to write (brief) reviews for the NetGalley and Edelweiss books that I read and are on backlog. (As long as baby doesn’t come too early!). A lot of fantasy books, some in other categories. I am taking a lot less responsibility as far as “book reviews” go (maybe 4 a month), and will try to go back to just writing for pleasure. Taking away the obligation might make it easier to just write for fun.

Sorry for this stream of consciousness post. I wanted to catch you guys up, but not sure how to frame what I wanted to say. So here it is–straight out of my head to the blog.

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Why aren’t you posting?

The world might be vicious and treacherous and deadly, but it couldn’t kill laughter. Laughter, like love, has power to survive the worst things life has to offer. And to do it with style. 

Blood Rites By Jim Butcher

I’m a slacker. I know. Not only have I not been posting, but I have not been reading. I barely have the energy to pick up books and read a page. But there are reasons for my absence. Here is why:

1) I FINALLY FINISHED MY THESIS! I turned it in and defended it! Last Thursday! My whole body feels the lightening of the stress. It was as if I had weights dangling off of me, and they turned into birds and flew away. I’M DONE!!

2) My adviser and I had a talk. I decided NOT to continue on with comprehensive exams and dissertation. Meaning, No Dr. Kwon. It was a hard and easy decision at the same time. Hard because I felt like a quitter. By not finishing it, was I saying, “I know I’m not smart enough, so I quit.” Am I failure? But my adviser told me “You are brilliant, but I don’t think you want to do this.” And he was right. I was not motivated to finish. Research was NOT a direction I wanted to go. And hearing someone who is 10 times smarter than me say that I’m smart was a huge ego boost. In the end I realized, I wasn’t quitting, but I was starting something new.

3) Travels, visits, holidays. This is just a busy time of year. Just went to Chicago, sister coming for thanksgiving, and in a few weeks going home for the holidays. There is no break. It’s cleaning, packing, unpacking, cleaning, and the circle goes on.

4) I got off my depression meds. Completely. Bye bye Welbutrin XL! I went cold turkey, too. It has been nearly two weeks, so far I am still sane. No breakdowns, no tears, and no suicidal thoughts. Life is good! I have had no negative triggers lately, so there has been no tests. We’ll see what happens when I run into negative triggers.

5) The husband and I decided we needed more space. We are moving sometime in April of next year. So we are sorting through stuff, getting rid of things, etc. etc. He has been doing most of the work. He’s such a trooper. ❤

There is one major life change I have not mentioned yet. However, it will take a long post just to talk about this one item, so I’ll post about that later. As if finishing your master’s, getting off of depression meds and moving isn’t enough of a life change 😛

As for plans, I hope over the next few weeks I can settle down and read more and review more. I have huge backlog for NetGalley and Edelweiss. They will be a priority for reviews, so my regular reads may or may not get reviews. Sorry for that! But I hope to get back to my creative writing, also.

For a long time, life froze me from moving forward. I was stuck. Now after all that hard work and a few laughs later–I’m finally moving to Act 2!

 
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Posted by on November 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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MIAish

“Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
At all”

“Something’s Missing” by John Mayer

I looked on the posts page today, and saw that in the last few weeks, I published nothing new. I have plenty of unfinished posts. I have been having trouble completing thoughts and transferring from my head to the keyboard. So in case you were wondering why this is only the second post this month–that’s why.

I’ll have a few more posts (maybe), including a review or two. But then I may go missing again. I am doing an almost 3 week trip visiting MD, LA, and central Texas. I’m calling it my Time Zone Trip, or TZT. Cause I’m gonna be in every time zone in the continental U.S. My body will be so confused going from MDT, EDT, PDT, CDT, and back to MDT all in a matter of 19 days.

But I’m excited. I need a break to clear my head. Maybe when I come home there will be a resurgence of posts! Wishful thinking.

Oh on a side note, I crossed the 40 lb. threshold and have lost 41 lbs even. Yayyyyy!

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Three in a Row

My glasses are half-full, dammit.

Blood Rites by Jim Butcher

So I’m celebrating my third period 28 day cycles. Actually, the last two was 28 and a half day cycles. You’re probably thinking, why is she excited about getting her period? Who in their right mind gets excited about that!?!?

Well, during my teen years, I got my period regularly every month, exactly 28 and a half day cycles. For fourish years it was perfect. Well perfect in the sense that it was regular. I was usually in bed for days, in so much pain I could barely move. I hated it. I was too young to appreciate what I had.

One day, I stopped getting my period. I didn’t get it for four cycles, and being the good little virgin girl, I knew it wasn’t pregnancy or STDs. So my mom took me to the doctor and they put me on birth control so I would get my period regularly. Never really found out what was going on.

When we started trying to get pregnant, I found out I had PCOS. I was not ovulating, so my body didn’t give me a period. Which is why it is exciting that I am getting my period regularly again. I may be ovulating again, and the chances of me getting pregnant (when the husband gets back) is a lot higher.

So although it’s gross and painful, and my day is worrying about buying tampons before I run out, my glass is half full, dammit! I will deal with the pain if it means I can get pregnant.

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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31.6 later…

“Life has moments hard to describe 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on, 
Always knowing we’re gonna be fine 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on…”

“On the Ride” by Aly & AJ

We’re gonna be fine….

It’s gotten to the point where I’m finally noticing changes in my body. I look a little bit smaller in pictures, my clothes fit differently, and the most important, my boobs are smaller! I know that sounds funny, like “how can a person be excited about losing bra sizes?” Well for those with massive breasts can agree, it’s GREAT. I may go buy new bras soon, or I may wait a bit more. We’ll see.

The question has been coming up, “how are you doing it?”. Well it has been a lifetime battle. So many diets, so many insults, tears. :::Shudders::: So what has worked?

I. STOPPED. CARING.

Really. I stopped worrying about calories on my plate, stopped counting, stopped giving a shit about what people think when they look at me. I stopped trying to be attractive according to others’ standards, stopped worrying about not eating certain things. I stopped caring about “I have to finish my plate because there are starving kids around the world” and I stopped caring about the bitches that say “oh should you eat that?”.

Stopping caring led to other things. I started listening to my body. I’m not hungry. I don’t eat. I don’t care if I paid for a whole meal, or if I’m at a buffet. I eat when I’m hungry.

It led to eating what I want. I want chocolate, I eat it. When I want. Where I want. How I want. But that also meant, I stopped wanting greasy food. I realized I never could stomach overly greasy foods in big amounts. It makes me sick. So why do I eat it? I don’t. I started realizing, wow I’m craving a salad. Like really. Not so much lettuce, but peppers and onions. I love red onions.

It led to loving what I am now. I care about myself for no other reason that I matter to ME. This is probably hardest for me still (ironically, the one I worked on the most). I like what I see, as long as I don’t let other people’s opinions bother me. I have to make a conscious effort to ignore those opinions. But, I try to do things, be things, that make me happy. If it makes me unhappy, I try to do otherwise. It seems selfish, but when it makes me happy to give money to the homeless person, or to be courteous enough to let a person cut in line, well then…

I’m eating fewer calories and burning more. Bare tacks, that is what a diet is supposed to be. The problem is, we focus on the weight and details without focusing on what the problem is behind it all.

Soooooo…. how did I lose 31.6 lbs? I think I have only part of the answer. But the rest? Well, life has moments hard to describe… Feeling great and alive, and we’re never coming down from this!

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A Library Full of Issues

Some people say I have issues. I say those people need to expand their horizons, because I don’t have issues, I have the Library of Congress.

Blackout by Mira Grant

I finished the Newsflesh trilogy this weekend, but I don’t feel like writing a full review.  If you want to know my opinions, just ask. Overall, it was okay, but not as good as I expect from Seanan McGuire.  Moving on . . .

The past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not exactly sure why, although there are a lot of things feeding into each other.  I’m not sleeping, I’m stressed, and I am mentally and emotionally tired.

But the overarching feeling is one I have been exploring since I started therapy: the idea and feeling like I am a failure. The best example I have is the thesis.

There is always the thesis that gives me piles and piles of anxiety.  I hate it.  I look at it and want to vomit. And when I’m feeling all kinds of mind fuzzy, I can’t get myself to move past the place I am at. I can’t write, I can’t think. I can just fade through life. I hate that.  I can’t even read. Watch TV, but that’s because I don’t have to pay attention.

Focus and attention. Exhaustion. Feeling worthless.  Anxiety. All of it.  So I haven’t been suicidal in two and a half years.  It still seems like a have issues.  A library full of issues.

(And if this post is all kinds of hazy to you–imagine how I felt writing it.)

 

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: Going to the Doctor’s While Obese

“But don’t make the assumption that heavier people are responsible for this caloric leap. Interestingly, studies show that large people eat no more than lean people, despite a popular misconception that large people consistently overeat. In the words of the National Academy of Sciences from their report on Diet and Health: “Most studies comparing normal and overweight people suggest that those that are overweight eat fewer calories than those of normal weight.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

“I’m concerned about your weight. Lose weight and all your health problems will go away.  See a nutritionist.  Stop eating ________, and start eating more fruits and vegetables.  We’re running all these “necessary” tests because your weight indicates you can have all these diseases.  Oh, and if you want help with your other health issues, lose weight first, because otherwise we refuse to treat you.”

Oh and your doctor is saying this with disdain in her voice.  Lovely.

Look, I will never say being obese is healthy.  It is clearly not.  The problem is still that when health professionals focus on the actual weight, they are looking at the symptoms, not the problem.  And sometimes, weight isn’t even the symptom of any problem.  I don’t have high cholesterol and my glucose level is normal.  Yes I have issues with PCOS and blood pressure, and I’m working on that. I am working on my health.

But doctors are the first person we go to for health.  And instead of understanding and guidance, we get scorn and orders.  Studies after studies show that doctor’s treat obese people differently.   They take less time with patients and are less kind to us.  They immediately go to the same problems and don’t look for other possible issues.

We know we are overweight, so telling us that is just redundant.  Help us with what is actually wrong.  Refer us to psychologists.  Talk about supportive family systems.  Stop focusing on her weight and focus on suggesting nutritious foods and maybe fun exercises. Focus on the positive changes that need to happen and strides the patient has already made.

If your doctor doesn’t listen to your concerns and makes you feel like less than an individual, try to switch doctors.  Write them a letter explaining your concerns.  Here is a letter from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon http://lindabacon.org/HAESbook/pdf_files/HAES_Providing%20Sensitive%20Care.pdf. Insist on fair treatment and compassion.  Everyone deserves it, and so do you!

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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