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31.6 later…

“Life has moments hard to describe 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on, 
Always knowing we’re gonna be fine 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on…”

“On the Ride” by Aly & AJ

We’re gonna be fine….

It’s gotten to the point where I’m finally noticing changes in my body. I look a little bit smaller in pictures, my clothes fit differently, and the most important, my boobs are smaller! I know that sounds funny, like “how can a person be excited about losing bra sizes?” Well for those with massive breasts can agree, it’s GREAT. I may go buy new bras soon, or I may wait a bit more. We’ll see.

The question has been coming up, “how are you doing it?”. Well it has been a lifetime battle. So many diets, so many insults, tears. :::Shudders::: So what has worked?

I. STOPPED. CARING.

Really. I stopped worrying about calories on my plate, stopped counting, stopped giving a shit about what people think when they look at me. I stopped trying to be attractive according to others’ standards, stopped worrying about not eating certain things. I stopped caring about “I have to finish my plate because there are starving kids around the world” and I stopped caring about the bitches that say “oh should you eat that?”.

Stopping caring led to other things. I started listening to my body. I’m not hungry. I don’t eat. I don’t care if I paid for a whole meal, or if I’m at a buffet. I eat when I’m hungry.

It led to eating what I want. I want chocolate, I eat it. When I want. Where I want. How I want. But that also meant, I stopped wanting greasy food. I realized I never could stomach overly greasy foods in big amounts. It makes me sick. So why do I eat it? I don’t. I started realizing, wow I’m craving a salad. Like really. Not so much lettuce, but peppers and onions. I love red onions.

It led to loving what I am now. I care about myself for no other reason that I matter to ME. This is probably hardest for me still (ironically, the one I worked on the most). I like what I see, as long as I don’t let other people’s opinions bother me. I have to make a conscious effort to ignore those opinions. But, I try to do things, be things, that make me happy. If it makes me unhappy, I try to do otherwise. It seems selfish, but when it makes me happy to give money to the homeless person, or to be courteous enough to let a person cut in line, well then…

I’m eating fewer calories and burning more. Bare tacks, that is what a diet is supposed to be. The problem is, we focus on the weight and details without focusing on what the problem is behind it all.

Soooooo…. how did I lose 31.6 lbs? I think I have only part of the answer. But the rest? Well, life has moments hard to describe… Feeling great and alive, and we’re never coming down from this!

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Posted by on January 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: Going to the Doctor’s While Obese

“But don’t make the assumption that heavier people are responsible for this caloric leap. Interestingly, studies show that large people eat no more than lean people, despite a popular misconception that large people consistently overeat. In the words of the National Academy of Sciences from their report on Diet and Health: “Most studies comparing normal and overweight people suggest that those that are overweight eat fewer calories than those of normal weight.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

“I’m concerned about your weight. Lose weight and all your health problems will go away.  See a nutritionist.  Stop eating ________, and start eating more fruits and vegetables.  We’re running all these “necessary” tests because your weight indicates you can have all these diseases.  Oh, and if you want help with your other health issues, lose weight first, because otherwise we refuse to treat you.”

Oh and your doctor is saying this with disdain in her voice.  Lovely.

Look, I will never say being obese is healthy.  It is clearly not.  The problem is still that when health professionals focus on the actual weight, they are looking at the symptoms, not the problem.  And sometimes, weight isn’t even the symptom of any problem.  I don’t have high cholesterol and my glucose level is normal.  Yes I have issues with PCOS and blood pressure, and I’m working on that. I am working on my health.

But doctors are the first person we go to for health.  And instead of understanding and guidance, we get scorn and orders.  Studies after studies show that doctor’s treat obese people differently.   They take less time with patients and are less kind to us.  They immediately go to the same problems and don’t look for other possible issues.

We know we are overweight, so telling us that is just redundant.  Help us with what is actually wrong.  Refer us to psychologists.  Talk about supportive family systems.  Stop focusing on her weight and focus on suggesting nutritious foods and maybe fun exercises. Focus on the positive changes that need to happen and strides the patient has already made.

If your doctor doesn’t listen to your concerns and makes you feel like less than an individual, try to switch doctors.  Write them a letter explaining your concerns.  Here is a letter from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon http://lindabacon.org/HAESbook/pdf_files/HAES_Providing%20Sensitive%20Care.pdf. Insist on fair treatment and compassion.  Everyone deserves it, and so do you!

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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11 Days Later . . .

“By root and branch, by leaf and vine, on rowan and oak and ash and thorn I swear that what is given to my keeping shall remain in my keeping and shall be given over only to the one who holds my bond. My blood to the defense of the task I am set, my heart to the keeping of the promise to which I am bound.”
The air grew thick with the taste of pennyroyal and musk as his magic crackled around us, drowning out the taste of roses. “Broken promises are the road to our damnation,” I said, the copper and cut grass smell of my own magic undercutting his. “Promises kept are the meeting of all our myriad roads.”
“And such a meeting will my promise be.”

Rosemary and Rue by Seanan McGuire

Okay so I broke a few promises to you guys.  One you didn’t know about and that was trying to post 3-5 times a week.  I haven’t posted in a week and a half; I apologize.  Things have been a bit crazy at home lately.  My thesis has picked up again, and I’m working on it nearly EVERY DAY (including weekends) so I can defend in November.  I really hate it . . . and it’s almost over.  But it’s at that point the hatred and nearness to completion is fueling my work.  And that has taken priority.

Another Promise I broke was posting about my take on the Health at Every Size book.  Well I hope to make one or two more posts about that, although it wasn’t within the week time frame.  But I will certainly post something asap!

You may also be wondering, where are all the book reviews?  Well I have limited my book reviews to ones that I want to REALLLLLY review.  Older books that have been out for awhile probably won’t get reviewed, and a series will probably get a review when I review the latest book.  So, the new series I have been reading has been the Riley Jensen books, and I’m on book 7 now.  When I’m done with the series at book 9, I will give you guys an overall review.

I also spent a week or so doing rereads.  Two books are coming out in a week so I had to reread for them.  One was Fury’s Kiss by Karen Chance, so I read the two other books in the series again, and since it’s affiliated with the Cassie Palmer series, I read the latest book from that series, as well.  Especially since I looooooove that book.  I also reread the last two books from the Jane Yellowrock series because her 6th book, Death’s Rival comes out next week (Who’s ready for some more Bruiser, Gregoire, and the B-twins????)

I did read one book, which was the latest Spellcracker novel, The Shifting Price of Prey, that is not even out in the United States yet!  A friend let me borrow a copy, (Thanks Stacey!), so I will review that tomorrow.

I got my period again this month, so no baby again.  I’m a bit annoyed with the doctor’s office since they don’t call back!  And my medication has to be taken on specific days, which fall on the weekend.  So I need to go get my blood test and get my meds picked up today and tomorrow.  Annoying!!

Anyways, 11 days later I was able to post, ha ha.  You now have a boring but accurate summary of what has happened during these last couple of weeks.  I’ll try to get 2 more posts written this month.  Wish me luck!

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: My Letter to You

The argument for size acceptance doesn’t need to depend on whether you accept the considerable challenges to the current assumptions about weight and health. It’s really very simple: Your strategy has not only failed, but backfired. Shame doesn’t help people make better health choices—though it does contribute to considerable “dis-ease.”

Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

I have yet to meet one person who is fat not know they are fat. Just in case you haven’t figured it out: We know.

We don’t need you to tell us we have an issue.  You could be family, friend, doctor, teacher.  It doesn’t matter, we know how much we weigh, what we eat, what our BMI is, and most of us probably also know our muscle ratio, and the appropriate “regiment”.

“So what? We’re supposed to accept you are fat?” Actually, yes.  I accept you for who you are.  I accept the fact that you don’t take proper care of your skin, or that you smoke, that you text while you drive, that you refuse to go to college, you don’t research your opinions . . . My list can go on and on.  Acceptance IS NOT agreement.  It’s to love that person regardless of their faults and to recognize that they are adults that make their own decisions.

To all my loved ones, here is my version of the letter from Health at Every Size (adapted to my needs) that I am writing to you:

“I understand that you care about me and that you are concerned about my health and well-being. I’ve learned a lot about issues related to weight, and I’ve come to believe that I can become healthy and happy at my current weight. I have also learned, both from personal experience and studying the physiology of weight regulation, that I do not lack determination or willpower, but rather my health is something that is individual to me, and “one size fit all” attitudes about weight and health may not work for me.

As a result, I’ve switched my focus to feeling better about the body I currently have and improving my lifestyle habits for health and well-being, rather than weight change. I am not giving up—I am moving on.

I’d like your support. What I need from you is to accept and appreciate me as I am and to stop commenting on my weight, weight loss, or the food I eat. Being nagged about what I weigh or how I eat has never been helpful and has only made me feel worse.

Thanks for your love and concern.”

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: My Personal Struggles with Weight Loss

“What you eat is less important than why you eat it.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

So I finally finished the book, Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon.  You can find the review for it here.  Instead of posting a review of it here, I decided to write multiple posts this week discussing some of the points the author made and how it relates to my life.  Before I write those posts, here is a brief summary of my struggles.

I have been overweight ever since puberty hit.  One day I was a normal child, the next day my boobs were bigger than that of a pregnant woman.  My habits have been on and off healthy and unhealthy.  At my unhealthiest, I would eat ice cream cake for breakfast (my dad’s choice of course), sat around and studied or chatted on IM because I wanted to avoid my family, ate chocolate because nothing else made me feel good.  What else? I threw temper tantrums like a pretty emotionally unbalanced teenager.  As a young adult, I appeared emotionally stable, but inside I felt like a constant pressure cooker.  I used food and the occasional needle (literally, not drugs) to ease the pain.  Fast food was especially a refuge.

What diet haven’t I tried? Everything from slim fast to atkins to weight watchers to raw food . . . Lemonade fast?  Oh I did them all.  Sometimes I lost as much as 45 lbs.  And then I would gain it back and then some.

My biggest problems in life came from emotional issues.  Abused (emotionally, physically, sexually).  People who didn’t understand as a kid or even as an adult.  Friends who thought I was lazy or stupid abandoned me when I needed them the most.  I hated myself, felt I was ugly and unattractive.  On top of all of that, the negative attitudes of my weight and the comments of “oh you would be so beautiful if you lost weight” just perpetuated the cycle.  And the dam broke four years ago, and I became suicidal and withdrew from everything and everyone.  Rationally I knew something was wrong, but no matter what, emotionally I could not bring myself out of the hole.  I started therapy, diagnosed with depression, and the tide started to turn.

I got married to the most wonderful guy who I call “my knight in shining leathers” because he took me away from negative people and shrouded me in positivity.  I made friends who loved me and tried to understand me as I was.  Therapy started delving into the deeper issues.  The issues of my sexual abuse.  My parents and family.  My self-confidence.  My weight.  I started taking Welbutrin, which worked like a miracle drug for me.  All of a sudden I could handle my life.

My views of myself changed.  My weight became less of an issue.  Sure people still tried to tell me what to do otherwise.  But I started to realize that I was beautiful, and I didn’t really care about my weight.  Food started to mean, fuel, not emotional comfort. I don’t crave sugars as much as I crave fiber now.  I want to eat the banana so I can feel full longer.  I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast because then I feel fuller longer. I go to the gym because I want to, not because I have to.

And guess what? I lost 30 lbs, and KEPT IT OFF.  When weight stopped mattering, and my health, both emotional and physical, started taking precedence–I started feeling a lot better.  If I don’t lose any more weight, it won’t matter because my health just improves day by day.

So when I read this book, I knew I had to share some of the points the author made with you guys.  So tomorrow I will write about negative attitudes.  I don’t know how many posts there will be, but rest assured, it won’t go on for longer than a week 😉

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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