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Stream of Consicousness

I haven’t posted in… well, at this point I can’t even remember how long. I meant to write this post awhile back, but I lost track. I haven’t posted since my review of The Undead Pool. I don’t think I have ever taken such a long break from blogging, book review, and Goodreads. I even took a break from reading. (I read only a handful books, didn’t review them, reread the Dresden file series, and the new book Skin Game… okay I get that for most people that’s still a lot, but not for me!)

First a lot of things have been going on. I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy and it made my life HARD. More emotional than physical difficulty. I lost 30 lbs just by eating what I want and now I can’t do that? But in the past few months I have gotten used to it. It also has kept my weight gain down, to a total gain of only 10 lbs (and I’m at 36 weeks!).

Of course, now being in the last month of pregnancy, I am anxious about the prospect of having a baby and becoming a mother. I am anxious about how it will change my relationship with the husband. Plus all the preparations of having a baby! We have to put her furniture together, put the nursery together, wash her clothes, etc.

Physically, I am tired a lot more. I take usually one nap a day, sometimes two. It’s one thing to just zone out and read. But writing reviews take a lot more energy than I have now.

Mostly, my anxiety about how our future is going to look is holding me back from writing. I have to get a job to pay my student loan bills. Baby will take up most of my time. So, how will I have time to write? I don’t know. I am feeling unmotivated and stuck. I am questioning myself. Is all this writing stuff just temporary thought? Am I fickle? So many questions, not enough answers.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try to write (brief) reviews for the NetGalley and Edelweiss books that I read and are on backlog. (As long as baby doesn’t come too early!). A lot of fantasy books, some in other categories. I am taking a lot less responsibility as far as “book reviews” go (maybe 4 a month), and will try to go back to just writing for pleasure. Taking away the obligation might make it easier to just write for fun.

Sorry for this stream of consciousness post. I wanted to catch you guys up, but not sure how to frame what I wanted to say. So here it is–straight out of my head to the blog.

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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31.6 later…

“Life has moments hard to describe 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on, 
Always knowing we’re gonna be fine 
Feeling great and feeling alive 
Never coming down from this 
Mountain we’re on…”

“On the Ride” by Aly & AJ

We’re gonna be fine….

It’s gotten to the point where I’m finally noticing changes in my body. I look a little bit smaller in pictures, my clothes fit differently, and the most important, my boobs are smaller! I know that sounds funny, like “how can a person be excited about losing bra sizes?” Well for those with massive breasts can agree, it’s GREAT. I may go buy new bras soon, or I may wait a bit more. We’ll see.

The question has been coming up, “how are you doing it?”. Well it has been a lifetime battle. So many diets, so many insults, tears. :::Shudders::: So what has worked?

I. STOPPED. CARING.

Really. I stopped worrying about calories on my plate, stopped counting, stopped giving a shit about what people think when they look at me. I stopped trying to be attractive according to others’ standards, stopped worrying about not eating certain things. I stopped caring about “I have to finish my plate because there are starving kids around the world” and I stopped caring about the bitches that say “oh should you eat that?”.

Stopping caring led to other things. I started listening to my body. I’m not hungry. I don’t eat. I don’t care if I paid for a whole meal, or if I’m at a buffet. I eat when I’m hungry.

It led to eating what I want. I want chocolate, I eat it. When I want. Where I want. How I want. But that also meant, I stopped wanting greasy food. I realized I never could stomach overly greasy foods in big amounts. It makes me sick. So why do I eat it? I don’t. I started realizing, wow I’m craving a salad. Like really. Not so much lettuce, but peppers and onions. I love red onions.

It led to loving what I am now. I care about myself for no other reason that I matter to ME. This is probably hardest for me still (ironically, the one I worked on the most). I like what I see, as long as I don’t let other people’s opinions bother me. I have to make a conscious effort to ignore those opinions. But, I try to do things, be things, that make me happy. If it makes me unhappy, I try to do otherwise. It seems selfish, but when it makes me happy to give money to the homeless person, or to be courteous enough to let a person cut in line, well then…

I’m eating fewer calories and burning more. Bare tacks, that is what a diet is supposed to be. The problem is, we focus on the weight and details without focusing on what the problem is behind it all.

Soooooo…. how did I lose 31.6 lbs? I think I have only part of the answer. But the rest? Well, life has moments hard to describe… Feeling great and alive, and we’re never coming down from this!

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: Going to the Doctor’s While Obese

“But don’t make the assumption that heavier people are responsible for this caloric leap. Interestingly, studies show that large people eat no more than lean people, despite a popular misconception that large people consistently overeat. In the words of the National Academy of Sciences from their report on Diet and Health: “Most studies comparing normal and overweight people suggest that those that are overweight eat fewer calories than those of normal weight.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

“I’m concerned about your weight. Lose weight and all your health problems will go away.  See a nutritionist.  Stop eating ________, and start eating more fruits and vegetables.  We’re running all these “necessary” tests because your weight indicates you can have all these diseases.  Oh, and if you want help with your other health issues, lose weight first, because otherwise we refuse to treat you.”

Oh and your doctor is saying this with disdain in her voice.  Lovely.

Look, I will never say being obese is healthy.  It is clearly not.  The problem is still that when health professionals focus on the actual weight, they are looking at the symptoms, not the problem.  And sometimes, weight isn’t even the symptom of any problem.  I don’t have high cholesterol and my glucose level is normal.  Yes I have issues with PCOS and blood pressure, and I’m working on that. I am working on my health.

But doctors are the first person we go to for health.  And instead of understanding and guidance, we get scorn and orders.  Studies after studies show that doctor’s treat obese people differently.   They take less time with patients and are less kind to us.  They immediately go to the same problems and don’t look for other possible issues.

We know we are overweight, so telling us that is just redundant.  Help us with what is actually wrong.  Refer us to psychologists.  Talk about supportive family systems.  Stop focusing on her weight and focus on suggesting nutritious foods and maybe fun exercises. Focus on the positive changes that need to happen and strides the patient has already made.

If your doctor doesn’t listen to your concerns and makes you feel like less than an individual, try to switch doctors.  Write them a letter explaining your concerns.  Here is a letter from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon http://lindabacon.org/HAESbook/pdf_files/HAES_Providing%20Sensitive%20Care.pdf. Insist on fair treatment and compassion.  Everyone deserves it, and so do you!

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: My Letter to You

The argument for size acceptance doesn’t need to depend on whether you accept the considerable challenges to the current assumptions about weight and health. It’s really very simple: Your strategy has not only failed, but backfired. Shame doesn’t help people make better health choices—though it does contribute to considerable “dis-ease.”

Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

I have yet to meet one person who is fat not know they are fat. Just in case you haven’t figured it out: We know.

We don’t need you to tell us we have an issue.  You could be family, friend, doctor, teacher.  It doesn’t matter, we know how much we weigh, what we eat, what our BMI is, and most of us probably also know our muscle ratio, and the appropriate “regiment”.

“So what? We’re supposed to accept you are fat?” Actually, yes.  I accept you for who you are.  I accept the fact that you don’t take proper care of your skin, or that you smoke, that you text while you drive, that you refuse to go to college, you don’t research your opinions . . . My list can go on and on.  Acceptance IS NOT agreement.  It’s to love that person regardless of their faults and to recognize that they are adults that make their own decisions.

To all my loved ones, here is my version of the letter from Health at Every Size (adapted to my needs) that I am writing to you:

“I understand that you care about me and that you are concerned about my health and well-being. I’ve learned a lot about issues related to weight, and I’ve come to believe that I can become healthy and happy at my current weight. I have also learned, both from personal experience and studying the physiology of weight regulation, that I do not lack determination or willpower, but rather my health is something that is individual to me, and “one size fit all” attitudes about weight and health may not work for me.

As a result, I’ve switched my focus to feeling better about the body I currently have and improving my lifestyle habits for health and well-being, rather than weight change. I am not giving up—I am moving on.

I’d like your support. What I need from you is to accept and appreciate me as I am and to stop commenting on my weight, weight loss, or the food I eat. Being nagged about what I weigh or how I eat has never been helpful and has only made me feel worse.

Thanks for your love and concern.”

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: My Personal Struggles with Weight Loss

“What you eat is less important than why you eat it.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

So I finally finished the book, Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon.  You can find the review for it here.  Instead of posting a review of it here, I decided to write multiple posts this week discussing some of the points the author made and how it relates to my life.  Before I write those posts, here is a brief summary of my struggles.

I have been overweight ever since puberty hit.  One day I was a normal child, the next day my boobs were bigger than that of a pregnant woman.  My habits have been on and off healthy and unhealthy.  At my unhealthiest, I would eat ice cream cake for breakfast (my dad’s choice of course), sat around and studied or chatted on IM because I wanted to avoid my family, ate chocolate because nothing else made me feel good.  What else? I threw temper tantrums like a pretty emotionally unbalanced teenager.  As a young adult, I appeared emotionally stable, but inside I felt like a constant pressure cooker.  I used food and the occasional needle (literally, not drugs) to ease the pain.  Fast food was especially a refuge.

What diet haven’t I tried? Everything from slim fast to atkins to weight watchers to raw food . . . Lemonade fast?  Oh I did them all.  Sometimes I lost as much as 45 lbs.  And then I would gain it back and then some.

My biggest problems in life came from emotional issues.  Abused (emotionally, physically, sexually).  People who didn’t understand as a kid or even as an adult.  Friends who thought I was lazy or stupid abandoned me when I needed them the most.  I hated myself, felt I was ugly and unattractive.  On top of all of that, the negative attitudes of my weight and the comments of “oh you would be so beautiful if you lost weight” just perpetuated the cycle.  And the dam broke four years ago, and I became suicidal and withdrew from everything and everyone.  Rationally I knew something was wrong, but no matter what, emotionally I could not bring myself out of the hole.  I started therapy, diagnosed with depression, and the tide started to turn.

I got married to the most wonderful guy who I call “my knight in shining leathers” because he took me away from negative people and shrouded me in positivity.  I made friends who loved me and tried to understand me as I was.  Therapy started delving into the deeper issues.  The issues of my sexual abuse.  My parents and family.  My self-confidence.  My weight.  I started taking Welbutrin, which worked like a miracle drug for me.  All of a sudden I could handle my life.

My views of myself changed.  My weight became less of an issue.  Sure people still tried to tell me what to do otherwise.  But I started to realize that I was beautiful, and I didn’t really care about my weight.  Food started to mean, fuel, not emotional comfort. I don’t crave sugars as much as I crave fiber now.  I want to eat the banana so I can feel full longer.  I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast because then I feel fuller longer. I go to the gym because I want to, not because I have to.

And guess what? I lost 30 lbs, and KEPT IT OFF.  When weight stopped mattering, and my health, both emotional and physical, started taking precedence–I started feeling a lot better.  If I don’t lose any more weight, it won’t matter because my health just improves day by day.

So when I read this book, I knew I had to share some of the points the author made with you guys.  So tomorrow I will write about negative attitudes.  I don’t know how many posts there will be, but rest assured, it won’t go on for longer than a week 😉

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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An Anxious Person’s Day

“Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between”

“Strip Me” by Natasha Bedingfield

Today I told my therapist, I never seem to get anything done even when I do nothing all day.  She asked me about my typical days and helped me fill in some of the blanks.  It looked something like this:

7 AM: I can barely open my eyes.  I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up.  I am still too damn tired to move.  Moments later I realize it’s 7.  But I think about everything I have to get done today.  List list list, washing hair day so longer shower, epilation, make appointments, go to appointments, thesis, writing, eating a healthy meal or two, gym?  I make the list in my head, but I’m still too tired to move, and it takes me almost 2 hours to get out of bed.

8 AM: I pull out my computer and look at my physical to do list.  Why does the list get longer when I have done so much?  It feels like I am always busy all the damn time.  List list list list. . . . Shower first, breakfast then, then sit down and thesis before you go out for the day.  I check my e-mail, facebook, and boards and update them as quickly as possible.  My eyes glaze over, and I start to worry about how the list will be completed.  Worry worry worry . . . If I can’t get everything done, I won’t ever be able to succeed at anything.  EVER……

9 AM: Shower, dress, breakfast, dealing with long hair.  Go over the list in my head, look at the dishes in the sink and feel more exhausted.  Maybe I need a nap? No, no nap, because then I won’t be able to sleep at night.  I may be slow, but I can make up for it by finally getting some sleep tonight.  Thesis? UGH.  I’d rather write out Lance’s character description.

10 AM-3 PM: Thesis.  Thesis. Thesis.  Why are there words on the screen? What do they mean?  I’m supposed to edit this.  Whyyyyy am I doing this?  I hate this stuff.  The mind is just collapsing on me.  I need a break from thinking.  Read a few pages of a book.  Play a computer game.  Go back to thesis.  Type a word.  Type a sentence.  That didn’t make sense.  Shit.  I’m so stupid.  Worry worry worry worry . . . back to a computer game. God, I’m lazy.  I’ll talk to my friends online, see what they are up to.  Sharing is Caring or something . . .

3 PM: I should go to the gym.  Oh but I didn’t eat lunch.  I was too busy thesising, or staring at the computer and play games.  Wow, I’m lazy.  But I feel sooooo tired.  No lunch, no sleep.  No gym.  Tomorrow.  It’ll happen tomorrow.  Make a new list. List List List. . . Worry worry worry . . .

6 PM: Crap, I fell asleep! No wonder I’m so fat, I fall asleep when I am supposed to be working out.  Well get your lazy ass out of bed and do something worthwhile.  I go to make dinner.  Dishes are not washed. UGH.  Just take the dishes and wash them.  I wash what I need, because anymore is tiring.  I cook dinner and go over tomorrow’s tasks.  List list list.  Then I wonder about the husband coming home.  Will he be disappointed the house is a mess?  Or that all I wrote was part of a sentence on my thesis?  Worry worry worry . . . Why does it feel like I constantly worked when I have NOTHING to show for it?  Stupid and Lazy.  If you think you will ever get anything done, don’t worry.  Cause you won’t.

9 PM: Had dinner and talked to husband. Talked to more friends online.  Watched something on TV with husband.  Read more.  Get ready for bed.  Shower again?  Stay in the shower.  Make lists on the wall using the condensation.  Do the bills too.  Add up possible costs for the future.  Shit, will we have enough for retirement?  Worry worry worry.  Come out.  Comb out hair, read with husband, he goes to sleep.  So what do I have to do tomorrow? List list list . . .

12 AM: I’m still awake? Oh, crap.  I was just going over my to do list for tomorrow and the rest of the week, and that took 3 hours! I should go to sleep or else I will get nothing done today.

3 AM: The A/C turn it down so it’s colder.  Stare at the ceiling and wonder how you can get things done more efficiently.  Stop worrying and listing, start DOING.   If you can’t do, you are pretty much lying to yourself because everyone else CAN DO.  Lazy.  Look over at the husband.  What an unlucky bastard.  Oh well.

5:30 AM: I have been awake for the last 2 and a half hours.  Don’t know why.  Trying to sleep.  Forcing myself.  GO TO SLEEP . . . GO GO GO. . . Isn’t working.

7 AM:I can barely open my eyes.  I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up.  I am still too damn tired to move.

She asked, “If your brain is constantly on the go, then how are you doing nothing?  It seems like you are doing too much.”

Still feels lazy.

**Disclaimer: I do not always the negative cognitions here, especially since my mood is better most of the time.    A lot of this is more of a historical account.  However, They still crop up, and are the main source of my depression/anxiety issues that still come up.  The point of this blog is to show you why it’s hard for me to finish my thesis or get things done.  Some of you may still think, “Why doesn’t she just do?!?!”  Well, you missed the whole point. **

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Garbage and Gold

“Men,” she said, rolling her eyes as she sat before her screen again. “Don’t they realize that if we wanted to rule the world, we could?”

I gave her a noncommittal nod and squirted a tiny amount of water into the next plant. I kinda thought we already did.

The Good, the Bad, and the Undead by Kim Harrison

Today I finished my first draft of Chapter 4.  Wow, that was a tough chapter to get through! Typically, I write a chapter in two parts.  First is putting down the bare bones–Ideas, dialogue, and basic scene layout.  That’s usually around 2500-3000 words.  Then I go back and start filling in all the holes.  Expressions, feelings, and non verbal cues are added, along with expanding on the ideas already present.  Then it becomes a full fledged chapter.  After that I do a basic round of editing, and the 1st draft is done.

With this chapter, I knew where I wanted to go, but I didn’t know how to get there.  There were some background information that needed to come out, and somehow creating a scene around people just “hanging out” was tough.  The initial write made me want to throw it all out.  But when I started adding in the emotions and body language, I started to see what was garbage and what was gold.  The draft is much better now.

Although I am a lot more pleased with this chapter, I’m really glad it’s over.  The hard phases are good exercises for the brain, but dude, they exhaust me!  The next few chapters should go pretty smoothly.

And I ordered pizza for dinner, and I hope my husband is okay with it.  I didn’t really tell him that was the plan, but, who really makes the decision around here anyways? 😉

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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