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I’m back!

“Shall I atone for old sins or make some new ones?‚ÄĚ

A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin

I am back from my vacation! Okay, I have been back for 5 days, but I have been recovering ūüėČ It turns out being in 4 different time zones in less than 3 weeks is hard on a person. The trip was amazing for the most part. At times emotionally exhausting. But it was what I needed to get myself focused again.

I am back to writing, thesising. I am trying to get myself back on a workout schedule and healthy eating, but that has been hard with all the recuperating. I’ve been sleeping a lot, ha ha. But it’s all a matter of getting into the swing of things.

As far as my reading goes, I finished A Dance With Dragons. It had slow moments, but I enjoyed it. 4 out of 5 stars. And now, I am with everyone waiting for book 6, that won’t be out till around 2015. I read the whole Charlie Madigan series, and they impressed me. I was disappointed to find out the publishers didn’t renew the series. I think they are losing out on a good value here! Overall I gave the series 4 out of 5 stars.

I read The Secret Keeper, written by Kate Morton. It was a chick lit, set in England both in present time, and during WW2. Most of the book moved slowly, but I loved the ending. 3 out of 5 stars.

I also read two erotic fiction books. The latest Shadowlands, This is Who I Am, was about Sam, a dominant and a sadist, and Linda, a woman who was kidnapped by slavers, who doesn’t want to admit that she is a masochist and a submissive. I thought Sam and Linda were both great leads, but the plot left a lot to be desired. I particularly found the family dramas unbelievable. Plus, I am not into S&M. I also read the first book in the Wicked Lovers series, Wicked Ties. I heard a lot of good things about Jack, but I found him immature and controlling. I think the Shadowlands heroes have ruined all other erotic fiction heroes for me.

I didn’t write formal reviews for these books as most of them were read while I was out of town. But if anyone wants a formal review for any of these books, let me know, and I’ll write up a full review! I have a couple of posts planned, so expect a few more posts from me before the month is out. I know I keep disappearing for weeks at a time, but I would rather write a few good posts than a lot of mediocre ones. Hope you can forgive me! ūüėČ

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Posted by on June 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: Going to the Doctor’s While Obese

“But don‚Äôt make the assumption that heavier people are responsible for this caloric leap. Interestingly, studies show that large people eat no more than lean people, despite a popular misconception that large people consistently overeat. In the words of the National Academy of Sciences from their report on Diet and Health: ‚ÄúMost studies comparing normal and overweight people suggest that those that are overweight eat fewer calories than those of normal weight.‚ÄĚ

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

“I’m concerned about your weight. Lose weight and all your health problems will go away. ¬†See a nutritionist. ¬†Stop eating ________, and start eating more fruits and vegetables. ¬†We’re running all these “necessary” tests because your weight indicates you can have all these diseases. ¬†Oh, and if you want help with your other health issues, lose weight first, because otherwise we refuse to treat you.”

Oh and your doctor is saying this with disdain in her voice.  Lovely.

Look, I will never say being obese is healthy. ¬†It is clearly not. ¬†The problem is still that when health professionals focus on the actual weight, they are looking at the symptoms, not the problem. ¬†And sometimes, weight isn’t even the symptom of any problem. ¬†I don’t have high¬†cholesterol¬†and my glucose level is normal. ¬†Yes I have issues with PCOS and blood pressure, and I’m working on that. I am working on my health.

But doctors are the first person we go to for health. ¬†And instead of understanding and guidance, we get scorn and orders. ¬†Studies after studies show that doctor’s treat obese people differently. ¬† They take less time with patients and are less kind to us. ¬†They immediately go to the same problems and don’t look for other possible issues.

We know we are overweight, so telling us that is just redundant.  Help us with what is actually wrong.  Refer us to psychologists.  Talk about supportive family systems.  Stop focusing on her weight and focus on suggesting nutritious foods and maybe fun exercises. Focus on the positive changes that need to happen and strides the patient has already made.

If your doctor doesn’t listen to your concerns and makes you feel like less than an individual, try to switch doctors. ¬†Write them a letter explaining your concerns. ¬†Here is a letter from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon¬†http://lindabacon.org/HAESbook/pdf_files/HAES_Providing%20Sensitive%20Care.pdf. Insist on fair treatment and compassion. ¬†Everyone deserves it, and so do you!

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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HAES: My Personal Struggles with Weight Loss

“What you eat is less important than why you eat it.”

Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon

So I finally finished the book, Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon.  You can find the review for it here.  Instead of posting a review of it here, I decided to write multiple posts this week discussing some of the points the author made and how it relates to my life.  Before I write those posts, here is a brief summary of my struggles.

I have been overweight ever since puberty hit. ¬†One day I was a normal child, the next day my boobs were bigger than that of a pregnant woman. ¬†My habits have been on and off healthy and unhealthy. ¬†At my unhealthiest, I would eat ice cream cake for breakfast (my dad’s choice of course), sat around and studied or chatted on IM because I wanted to avoid my family, ate chocolate because nothing else made me feel good. ¬†What else? I threw temper tantrums like a pretty emotionally unbalanced teenager. ¬†As a young adult, I appeared emotionally stable, but inside I felt like a constant pressure cooker. ¬†I used food and the occasional needle (literally, not drugs) to ease the pain. ¬†Fast food was especially a refuge.

What diet haven’t I tried? Everything from slim fast to atkins to weight watchers to raw food . . . Lemonade fast? ¬†Oh I did them all. ¬†Sometimes I lost as much as 45 lbs. ¬†And then I would gain it back and then some.

My biggest problems in life came from emotional issues. ¬†Abused (emotionally, physically, sexually). ¬†People who didn’t understand as a kid or even as an adult. ¬†Friends who thought I was lazy or stupid abandoned me when I needed them the most. ¬†I hated myself, felt I was ugly and unattractive. ¬†On top of all of that, the negative attitudes of my weight and the comments of “oh you would be so beautiful if you lost weight” just perpetuated the cycle. ¬†And the dam broke four years ago, and I became suicidal and withdrew from everything and everyone. ¬†Rationally I knew something was wrong, but no matter what, emotionally I could not bring myself out of the hole. ¬†I started therapy, diagnosed with depression, and the tide started to turn.

I got married to the most wonderful guy who I call “my knight in shining leathers” because he took me away from negative people and shrouded me in¬†positivity. ¬†I made friends who loved me and tried to understand me as I was. ¬†Therapy started delving into the deeper issues. ¬†The issues of my sexual abuse. ¬†My parents and family. ¬†My self-confidence. ¬†My weight. ¬†I started taking Welbutrin, which worked like a miracle drug for me. ¬†All of a sudden I could handle my life.

My views of myself changed. ¬†My weight became less of an issue. ¬†Sure people still tried to tell me what to do otherwise. ¬†But I started to realize that I was beautiful, and I didn’t really care about my weight. ¬†Food started to mean, fuel, not emotional comfort. I don’t crave sugars as much as I crave fiber now. ¬†I want to eat the banana so I can feel full longer. ¬†I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast because then I feel fuller longer. I go to the gym because I want to, not because I have to.

And guess what? I lost 30 lbs, and KEPT IT OFF. ¬†When weight stopped mattering, and my health, both emotional and physical, started taking precedence–I started feeling a lot better. ¬†If I don’t lose any more weight, it won’t matter because my health just improves day by day.

So when I read this book, I knew I had to share some of the points the author made with you guys. ¬†So tomorrow I will write about negative attitudes. ¬†I don’t know how many posts there will be, but rest assured, it won’t go on for longer than a week ūüėČ

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Preparing For the Coming Week

That’s the nice thing about insanity: evil people kill you, but crazy ones try to make you understand.

A Local Habitation by Seanan Maguire

So this week will be busy for me for many reasons:

1) My discussion section for thesis will be done! My advisor things I will be presenting early Oct. This is it! After October, will come a different challenge, but one I’m looking forward to!

2) I have 4 new books coming out next week. I’ll probably write reviews on goodreads and amazon, and make an end of the week post like I did back in June.

3) I’m going to go back to the gym, Oh yes, it’s time to go back.

4) I’m gonna do some spring cleaning, i.e. get rid of stuff before my husband comes home so he can’t do anything about it :-P.

5) work on my writing, as usual.

I have a lot on my mind as far as Marisol and my short story for her.  It already has helped me develop her and other characters.  I introduce someone who will be pure evil or someone who is crazy.  I am leaning towards insanity, because crazy means a lot more depth to the character.

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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An Anxious Person’s Day

“Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between”

“Strip Me” by Natasha Bedingfield

Today I told my therapist, I never seem to get anything done even when I do nothing all day.  She asked me about my typical days and helped me fill in some of the blanks.  It looked something like this:

7 AM: I can barely open my eyes. ¬†I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up. ¬†I am still too damn tired to move. ¬†Moments later I realize it’s 7. ¬†But I think about everything I have to get done today. ¬†List list list, washing hair day so longer shower, epilation, make appointments, go to appointments, thesis, writing, eating a healthy meal or two, gym? ¬†I make the list in my head, but I’m still too tired to move, and it takes me almost 2 hours to get out of bed.

8 AM: I pull out my computer and look at my physical to do list. ¬†Why does the list get longer when I have done so much? ¬†It feels like I am always busy all the damn time. ¬†List list list list. . . . Shower first, breakfast then, then sit down and thesis before you go out for the day. ¬†I check my e-mail, facebook, and boards and update them as quickly as possible. ¬†My eyes glaze over, and I start to worry about how the list will be completed. ¬†Worry worry worry . . . If I can’t get everything done, I won’t ever be able to succeed at anything. ¬†EVER……

9 AM: Shower, dress, breakfast, dealing with long hair. ¬†Go over the list in my head, look at the dishes in the sink and feel more exhausted. ¬†Maybe I need a nap? No, no nap, because then I won’t be able to sleep at night. ¬†I may be slow, but I can make up for it by finally getting some sleep tonight. ¬†Thesis? UGH. ¬†I’d rather write out Lance’s character description.

10 AM-3 PM: Thesis. ¬†Thesis. Thesis. ¬†Why are there words on the screen? What do they mean? ¬†I’m supposed to edit this. ¬†Whyyyyy am I doing this? ¬†I hate this stuff. ¬†The mind is just collapsing on me. ¬†I need a break from thinking. ¬†Read a few pages of a book. ¬†Play a computer game. ¬†Go back to thesis. ¬†Type a word. ¬†Type a sentence. ¬†That didn’t make sense. ¬†Shit. ¬†I’m so stupid. ¬†Worry worry worry worry . . . back to a computer game. God, I’m lazy. ¬†I’ll talk to my friends online, see what they are up to. ¬†Sharing is Caring or something . . .

3 PM: I should go to the gym. ¬†Oh but I didn’t eat lunch. ¬†I was too busy thesising, or staring at the computer and play games. ¬†Wow, I’m lazy. ¬†But I feel sooooo tired. ¬†No lunch, no sleep. ¬†No gym. ¬†Tomorrow. ¬†It’ll happen¬†tomorrow. ¬†Make a new list. List List List. . . Worry worry worry . . .

6 PM: Crap, I fell asleep! No wonder I’m so fat, I fall asleep when I am supposed to be working out. ¬†Well get your lazy ass out of bed and do something worthwhile. ¬†I go to make dinner. ¬†Dishes are not washed. UGH. ¬†Just take the dishes and wash them. ¬†I wash what I need, because anymore is tiring. ¬†I cook dinner and go over tomorrow’s tasks. ¬†List list list. ¬†Then I wonder about the husband coming home. ¬†Will he be disappointed the house is a mess? ¬†Or that all I wrote was part of a sentence on my thesis? ¬†Worry worry worry . . . Why does it feel like I constantly worked when I have NOTHING to show for it? ¬†Stupid and Lazy. ¬†If you think you will ever get anything done, don’t worry. ¬†Cause you won’t.

9 PM: Had dinner and talked to husband. Talked to more friends online.  Watched something on TV with husband.  Read more.  Get ready for bed.  Shower again?  Stay in the shower.  Make lists on the wall using the condensation.  Do the bills too.  Add up possible costs for the future.  Shit, will we have enough for retirement?  Worry worry worry.  Come out.  Comb out hair, read with husband, he goes to sleep.  So what do I have to do tomorrow? List list list . . .

12 AM: I’m still awake? Oh, crap. ¬†I was just going over my to do list for tomorrow and the rest of the week, and that took 3 hours! I should go to sleep or else I will get nothing done today.

3 AM: The A/C turn it down so it’s colder. ¬†Stare at the¬†ceiling¬†and wonder how you can get things done more efficiently. ¬†Stop worrying and listing, start DOING. ¬† If you can’t do, you are pretty much lying to yourself because everyone else CAN DO. ¬†Lazy. ¬†Look over at the husband. ¬†What an unlucky bastard. ¬†Oh well.

5:30 AM: I have been awake for the last 2 and a half hours. ¬†Don’t know why. ¬†Trying to sleep. ¬†Forcing myself. ¬†GO TO SLEEP . . . GO GO GO. . . Isn’t working.

7 AM:I can barely open my eyes.  I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up.  I am still too damn tired to move.

She asked, “If your brain is constantly on the go, then how are you doing nothing? ¬†It seems like you are doing too much.”

Still feels lazy.

**Disclaimer: I do not always the negative¬†cognitions¬†here, especially since my mood is better most of the time. ¬† ¬†A lot of this is more of a historical account. ¬†However, They still crop up, and are the main source of my depression/anxiety issues that still come up. ¬†The point of this blog is to show you why it’s hard for me to finish my thesis or get things done. ¬†Some of you may still think, “Why doesn’t she just do?!?!” ¬†Well, you missed the whole point. **

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Invisibility to Responsibility

“I am one of the most irresponsible beings that ever lived. Irresponsibility is part of my invisibility; any way you face it, it is a denial. But to whom can I be responsible, and why should I be, when you refuse to see me?”

Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

Long weekends are the best. ¬†Especially long weekends where you spent most of the time in bed with your husband . . . talking. ¬†(Get your mind out of the gutter!). ¬†We shirked a lot of our responsibilities and disappeared from the world. ¬†Both of us have been so busy that we just haven’t had time to be there for each other. ¬†So I’m glad we got to do that this weekend.

I lost some more weight these past few weeks. ¬†I have lost a total of 30 lbs so far, wooo hoo! Just another 90 to go . . . I lost 30! Let’s just stick to that.

Now that our long weekend is over, I’m back to work this Wednesday afternoon. ¬†This week is a bit odd because it starts late and will not end until the husband gets back home around the 5th. ¬†So what do I plan on doing this week? Nothing that is too different from the usual. ¬†Goals:

Thesis Discussion section–for reals!
Chapter 4 Marisol, write and edit
Chapter 10 for fan fiction
Chapter 11 for fan fiction
Make critiques on the writer’s discussion group I just joined
Submit a portion of my writing to get critiqued
Start going to the gym again, at least 2 times this week. (when I start feeling better, feeling a bit under the weather)
Finish reading “Blue-Blooded Vamp” by Jaye Wells

If I get at least 4 of those goals done this week, I will feel responsible.  I feel the time of invisibility is about to end very soon . . .

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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