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Stream of Consicousness

I haven’t posted in… well, at this point I can’t even remember how long. I meant to write this post awhile back, but I lost track. I haven’t posted since my review of The Undead Pool. I don’t think I have ever taken such a long break from blogging, book review, and Goodreads. I even took a break from reading. (I read only a handful books, didn’t review them, reread the Dresden file series, and the new book Skin Game… okay I get that for most people that’s still a lot, but not for me!)

First a lot of things have been going on. I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy and it made my life HARD. More emotional than physical difficulty. I lost 30 lbs just by eating what I want and now I can’t do that? But in the past few months I have gotten used to it. It also has kept my weight gain down, to a total gain of only 10 lbs (and I’m at 36 weeks!).

Of course, now being in the last month of pregnancy, I am anxious about the prospect of having a baby and becoming a mother. I am anxious about how it will change my relationship with the husband. Plus all the preparations of having a baby! We have to put her furniture together, put the nursery together, wash her clothes, etc.

Physically, I am tired a lot more. I take usually one nap a day, sometimes two. It’s one thing to just zone out and read. But writing reviews take a lot more energy than I have now.

Mostly, my anxiety about how our future is going to look is holding me back from writing. I have to get a job to pay my student loan bills. Baby will take up most of my time. So, how will I have time to write? I don’t know. I am feeling unmotivated and stuck. I am questioning myself. Is all this writing stuff just temporary thought? Am I fickle? So many questions, not enough answers.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try to write (brief) reviews for the NetGalley and Edelweiss books that I read and are on backlog. (As long as baby doesn’t come too early!). A lot of fantasy books, some in other categories. I am taking a lot less responsibility as far as “book reviews” go (maybe 4 a month), and will try to go back to just writing for pleasure. Taking away the obligation might make it easier to just write for fun.

Sorry for this stream of consciousness post. I wanted to catch you guys up, but not sure how to frame what I wanted to say. So here it is–straight out of my head to the blog.

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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MIAish

“Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
At all”

“Something’s Missing” by John Mayer

I looked on the posts page today, and saw that in the last few weeks, I published nothing new. I have plenty of unfinished posts. I have been having trouble completing thoughts and transferring from my head to the keyboard. So in case you were wondering why this is only the second post this month–that’s why.

I’ll have a few more posts (maybe), including a review or two. But then I may go missing again. I am doing an almost 3 week trip visiting MD, LA, and central Texas. I’m calling it my Time Zone Trip, or TZT. Cause I’m gonna be in every time zone in the continental U.S. My body will be so confused going from MDT, EDT, PDT, CDT, and back to MDT all in a matter of 19 days.

But I’m excited. I need a break to clear my head. Maybe when I come home there will be a resurgence of posts! Wishful thinking.

Oh on a side note, I crossed the 40 lb. threshold and have lost 41 lbs even. Yayyyyy!

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I Probably Won’t

“I think in some ways every single person, human, vampire, whatever, has a choice to make: to be full of rage about what happens to you or to reconcile with it, to strive for the most honorable existence you can despite the odds.”

Kitty and the Midnight Hour by Carrie Vaughn

Hopefully by now everyone has heard about the rape of the Steubenville girl, the delinquent verdict of the two perpetrators  We have probably heard about the town and it’s members rallying for the two guys who raped the girl. By now, you have probably heard the tale of the sympathizing attitude of CNN and other leading news outlets. No, they were not sympathizing with the victim, they were sympathizing with the perpetrators.

I can talk to you about how disgusted I am by the ordeal. How appalling it is that grown men and women made excuses for these guys. I could tell you how journalists compromised human decency when they revealed the victim’s name to the public. You probably have already heard of the “drunk girl” and the “boys will be boys” rhetoric, and one or two of you may even be a part of it. You have heard of living in a rape culture and wondered who would perpetuate such horrid ideals.

But we are not going to talk about others say or do. Because I may also be participating in rape culture.

I was molested as a child. I am pretty open about it, it happened, and that’s reality. One thing I always held on to was, “at least I wasn’t raped.” Or, “so much worse has happened to children so much younger.” “I was just molested, not raped,” was my to go mantra.

But this tragedy brought up the question: What is rape? How is it defined? www.womenaresafe.org defined it as:

Rape is sexual penetration (genital, anal, or oral, including any intrusion – however slight) into any part of a person’s body (with emission of semen not required) and involving one or more of the following elements:

  • Force or coercion
  • Victim did not consent
  • Victim is unable to give consent

(8 to 30 years in prison)

The FBI defines it the same way, as do most organizations that are experts in the field.

But like the people who are denying that what happened to the girl was rape, I do not want to view what happened to me as rape. My mind rejected the notion immediately. But then logical reasoning started to fall in place. Men can rape women, men can rape men, women can rape women, and women can rape men. Any kind of object can be used, from body parts to candlesticks. And if it’s not consented and sexual in nature, then it’s rape.

And that meant I had to admit something that I have been avoiding my whole life…

Days later, and I still can’t say it aloud. Just the thought of saying the words  makes me nauseous. I couldn’t even type it out without feeling wrong.

Yet, by not admitting it, am I not letting the rape culture fester? By not admitting it, am I not saying that those high school boys did not rape the girl? Am I dishonest? Dishonorable?

I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that.

Actually, I probably won’t.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Reminder

I’ll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I’ll never fail
I’ll just get up and try again

“Win” by Brian McKnight

I needed a reminder.

Today, my therapist reminded me about myself:

You have depression. People who do not have depression can tell themselves to refocus, and they do. They could say, “I’ve been depressed, and I snapped myself out.” They didn’t have clinical depression. The same doesn’t work for you. Beating yourself up is going to make it worse. You can’t just wish away cancer, and you can’t wish away depression.

Thank you. I have been feeling like a failure and needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that I can do take the same steps as everyone else, but it’s that much harder for me to dig myself out. I am better off than I was a few years ago.

My efforts don’t seem as fruitless anymore. I am reminded that all the cognition work and trying to get through my goals will become a reality, even if it doesn’t happen today.

 
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Posted by on October 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Confusion

“It took me a long time to accept what happened. The world seemed muddied, confused. My thoughts were always clouded and heavy. I couldn’t find my way in or out of my own mind. Everyone thought I was crazy, and eventually I thought so too.

The Neon Graveyard by Vicki Pettersson

It seems like I may have confused you by my post yesterday. I have not been suicidal in two and a half years and I am NOT suicidal now.  I am not close to it.  I am in a bad place, but not one that is “that bad”. I am not anywhere close to rock bottom.  Just struggling. A lot.

I have to meet with my advisor today. Joy. How to convey to him I got no work done? Ugh. I hate this part.

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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A Library Full of Issues

Some people say I have issues. I say those people need to expand their horizons, because I don’t have issues, I have the Library of Congress.

Blackout by Mira Grant

I finished the Newsflesh trilogy this weekend, but I don’t feel like writing a full review.  If you want to know my opinions, just ask. Overall, it was okay, but not as good as I expect from Seanan McGuire.  Moving on . . .

The past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not exactly sure why, although there are a lot of things feeding into each other.  I’m not sleeping, I’m stressed, and I am mentally and emotionally tired.

But the overarching feeling is one I have been exploring since I started therapy: the idea and feeling like I am a failure. The best example I have is the thesis.

There is always the thesis that gives me piles and piles of anxiety.  I hate it.  I look at it and want to vomit. And when I’m feeling all kinds of mind fuzzy, I can’t get myself to move past the place I am at. I can’t write, I can’t think. I can just fade through life. I hate that.  I can’t even read. Watch TV, but that’s because I don’t have to pay attention.

Focus and attention. Exhaustion. Feeling worthless.  Anxiety. All of it.  So I haven’t been suicidal in two and a half years.  It still seems like a have issues.  A library full of issues.

(And if this post is all kinds of hazy to you–imagine how I felt writing it.)

 

 
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Posted by on October 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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An Anxious Person’s Day

“Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between”

“Strip Me” by Natasha Bedingfield

Today I told my therapist, I never seem to get anything done even when I do nothing all day.  She asked me about my typical days and helped me fill in some of the blanks.  It looked something like this:

7 AM: I can barely open my eyes.  I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up.  I am still too damn tired to move.  Moments later I realize it’s 7.  But I think about everything I have to get done today.  List list list, washing hair day so longer shower, epilation, make appointments, go to appointments, thesis, writing, eating a healthy meal or two, gym?  I make the list in my head, but I’m still too tired to move, and it takes me almost 2 hours to get out of bed.

8 AM: I pull out my computer and look at my physical to do list.  Why does the list get longer when I have done so much?  It feels like I am always busy all the damn time.  List list list list. . . . Shower first, breakfast then, then sit down and thesis before you go out for the day.  I check my e-mail, facebook, and boards and update them as quickly as possible.  My eyes glaze over, and I start to worry about how the list will be completed.  Worry worry worry . . . If I can’t get everything done, I won’t ever be able to succeed at anything.  EVER……

9 AM: Shower, dress, breakfast, dealing with long hair.  Go over the list in my head, look at the dishes in the sink and feel more exhausted.  Maybe I need a nap? No, no nap, because then I won’t be able to sleep at night.  I may be slow, but I can make up for it by finally getting some sleep tonight.  Thesis? UGH.  I’d rather write out Lance’s character description.

10 AM-3 PM: Thesis.  Thesis. Thesis.  Why are there words on the screen? What do they mean?  I’m supposed to edit this.  Whyyyyy am I doing this?  I hate this stuff.  The mind is just collapsing on me.  I need a break from thinking.  Read a few pages of a book.  Play a computer game.  Go back to thesis.  Type a word.  Type a sentence.  That didn’t make sense.  Shit.  I’m so stupid.  Worry worry worry worry . . . back to a computer game. God, I’m lazy.  I’ll talk to my friends online, see what they are up to.  Sharing is Caring or something . . .

3 PM: I should go to the gym.  Oh but I didn’t eat lunch.  I was too busy thesising, or staring at the computer and play games.  Wow, I’m lazy.  But I feel sooooo tired.  No lunch, no sleep.  No gym.  Tomorrow.  It’ll happen tomorrow.  Make a new list. List List List. . . Worry worry worry . . .

6 PM: Crap, I fell asleep! No wonder I’m so fat, I fall asleep when I am supposed to be working out.  Well get your lazy ass out of bed and do something worthwhile.  I go to make dinner.  Dishes are not washed. UGH.  Just take the dishes and wash them.  I wash what I need, because anymore is tiring.  I cook dinner and go over tomorrow’s tasks.  List list list.  Then I wonder about the husband coming home.  Will he be disappointed the house is a mess?  Or that all I wrote was part of a sentence on my thesis?  Worry worry worry . . . Why does it feel like I constantly worked when I have NOTHING to show for it?  Stupid and Lazy.  If you think you will ever get anything done, don’t worry.  Cause you won’t.

9 PM: Had dinner and talked to husband. Talked to more friends online.  Watched something on TV with husband.  Read more.  Get ready for bed.  Shower again?  Stay in the shower.  Make lists on the wall using the condensation.  Do the bills too.  Add up possible costs for the future.  Shit, will we have enough for retirement?  Worry worry worry.  Come out.  Comb out hair, read with husband, he goes to sleep.  So what do I have to do tomorrow? List list list . . .

12 AM: I’m still awake? Oh, crap.  I was just going over my to do list for tomorrow and the rest of the week, and that took 3 hours! I should go to sleep or else I will get nothing done today.

3 AM: The A/C turn it down so it’s colder.  Stare at the ceiling and wonder how you can get things done more efficiently.  Stop worrying and listing, start DOING.   If you can’t do, you are pretty much lying to yourself because everyone else CAN DO.  Lazy.  Look over at the husband.  What an unlucky bastard.  Oh well.

5:30 AM: I have been awake for the last 2 and a half hours.  Don’t know why.  Trying to sleep.  Forcing myself.  GO TO SLEEP . . . GO GO GO. . . Isn’t working.

7 AM:I can barely open my eyes.  I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up.  I am still too damn tired to move.

She asked, “If your brain is constantly on the go, then how are you doing nothing?  It seems like you are doing too much.”

Still feels lazy.

**Disclaimer: I do not always the negative cognitions here, especially since my mood is better most of the time.    A lot of this is more of a historical account.  However, They still crop up, and are the main source of my depression/anxiety issues that still come up.  The point of this blog is to show you why it’s hard for me to finish my thesis or get things done.  Some of you may still think, “Why doesn’t she just do?!?!”  Well, you missed the whole point. **

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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