“Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between”
“Strip Me” by Natasha Bedingfield
Today I told my therapist, I never seem to get anything done even when I do nothing all day. She asked me about my typical days and helped me fill in some of the blanks. It looked something like this:
7 AM: I can barely open my eyes. I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up. I am still too damn tired to move. Moments later I realize it’s 7. But I think about everything I have to get done today. List list list, washing hair day so longer shower, epilation, make appointments, go to appointments, thesis, writing, eating a healthy meal or two, gym? I make the list in my head, but I’m still too tired to move, and it takes me almost 2 hours to get out of bed.
8 AM: I pull out my computer and look at my physical to do list. Why does the list get longer when I have done so much? It feels like I am always busy all the damn time. List list list list. . . . Shower first, breakfast then, then sit down and thesis before you go out for the day. I check my e-mail, facebook, and boards and update them as quickly as possible. My eyes glaze over, and I start to worry about how the list will be completed. Worry worry worry . . . If I can’t get everything done, I won’t ever be able to succeed at anything. EVER……
9 AM: Shower, dress, breakfast, dealing with long hair. Go over the list in my head, look at the dishes in the sink and feel more exhausted. Maybe I need a nap? No, no nap, because then I won’t be able to sleep at night. I may be slow, but I can make up for it by finally getting some sleep tonight. Thesis? UGH. I’d rather write out Lance’s character description.
10 AM-3 PM: Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. Why are there words on the screen? What do they mean? I’m supposed to edit this. Whyyyyy am I doing this? I hate this stuff. The mind is just collapsing on me. I need a break from thinking. Read a few pages of a book. Play a computer game. Go back to thesis. Type a word. Type a sentence. That didn’t make sense. Shit. I’m so stupid. Worry worry worry worry . . . back to a computer game. God, I’m lazy. I’ll talk to my friends online, see what they are up to. Sharing is Caring or something . . .
3 PM: I should go to the gym. Oh but I didn’t eat lunch. I was too busy thesising, or staring at the computer and play games. Wow, I’m lazy. But I feel sooooo tired. No lunch, no sleep. No gym. Tomorrow. It’ll happen tomorrow. Make a new list. List List List. . . Worry worry worry . . .
6 PM: Crap, I fell asleep! No wonder I’m so fat, I fall asleep when I am supposed to be working out. Well get your lazy ass out of bed and do something worthwhile. I go to make dinner. Dishes are not washed. UGH. Just take the dishes and wash them. I wash what I need, because anymore is tiring. I cook dinner and go over tomorrow’s tasks. List list list. Then I wonder about the husband coming home. Will he be disappointed the house is a mess? Or that all I wrote was part of a sentence on my thesis? Worry worry worry . . . Why does it feel like I constantly worked when I have NOTHING to show for it? Stupid and Lazy. If you think you will ever get anything done, don’t worry. Cause you won’t.
9 PM: Had dinner and talked to husband. Talked to more friends online. Watched something on TV with husband. Read more. Get ready for bed. Shower again? Stay in the shower. Make lists on the wall using the condensation. Do the bills too. Add up possible costs for the future. Shit, will we have enough for retirement? Worry worry worry. Come out. Comb out hair, read with husband, he goes to sleep. So what do I have to do tomorrow? List list list . . .
12 AM: I’m still awake? Oh, crap. I was just going over my to do list for tomorrow and the rest of the week, and that took 3 hours! I should go to sleep or else I will get nothing done today.
3 AM: The A/C turn it down so it’s colder. Stare at the ceiling and wonder how you can get things done more efficiently. Stop worrying and listing, start DOING. If you can’t do, you are pretty much lying to yourself because everyone else CAN DO. Lazy. Look over at the husband. What an unlucky bastard. Oh well.
5:30 AM: I have been awake for the last 2 and a half hours. Don’t know why. Trying to sleep. Forcing myself. GO TO SLEEP . . . GO GO GO. . . Isn’t working.
7 AM:I can barely open my eyes. I crack it, but things are hazy so they close back up. I am still too damn tired to move.
She asked, “If your brain is constantly on the go, then how are you doing nothing? It seems like you are doing too much.”
Still feels lazy.
**Disclaimer: I do not always the negative cognitions here, especially since my mood is better most of the time. A lot of this is more of a historical account. However, They still crop up, and are the main source of my depression/anxiety issues that still come up. The point of this blog is to show you why it’s hard for me to finish my thesis or get things done. Some of you may still think, “Why doesn’t she just do?!?!” Well, you missed the whole point. **